Psychologist On What Helps Anxiously-Attached Heal | Healing An Anxious Attachment Style
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I have AA my wife left me recently. This video is a real reality check. I'm glad I found it.
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An anxious attachment style is driven by fear of abandonment. This fear permeates lots of the choices, actions and communication of an anxiously attached person and disrupts their life and relationships. Stay tuned to learn how to shift into a secure attachment style starting from an anxious attachment style.
Just wanna say this is the first video of yours I've seen and its not only so helpful, but also so relaxing ❤
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I really need to find a way to discern between what is just triggering and what he’s doing actually wrong. Is he really not caring or am I attached to my standards- and how wrong is that? As a woman, I know how I want to be loved. I want to have a good time & be in the frequency of love and truth, but when this person is hot/cold every other day, and I have fear of abandonment, can I actually work with this type of relationship?
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This issues, I think deep down broke my relationship of three years with who I thought I’d marry. Looking back on it he also was never emotionally available, he struggled to understand my emotions always, and I genuinely had to teach him to give me a tissue or hug me when I’m sad. He came from a loving family whereas I didn’t, I came from poverty and an abusive household. I was open about this so he would understand me and accept me. Over the three years almost four years, we both were young and new to being in a relationship, I was very immature and learning but I think I learned the hard way, he also was different to what he said he was. I just feel very alone and we still keep touch, I wanted to be accepted for who I am with my good and bad and I never felt that. Now I’m 23 and just started to accept myself very very slowly, I have been off sick for three weeks from work and I have been crying and been sad. If anyone wants to talk or is struggling let’s talk here
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When I'm single, I get used to focusing on my own affairs. I can organize the things around me well, make myself feel as comfortable as possible, and even make continous improvements of myself. However, when I get involved in an intimate relationship, if I'm not infatuated with the other person, I will feel very natural and comfortable in this relationship. But if I am infatuated, I will push myself too hard, like in a game. I will be extremely immersed in this relationship, constantly pushing it forward, but I will ignore the other person's feelings because my pace is too fast. Then I will fall into anxious attachment, hoping everything I do for the other person will receive a good response, and that every action I take will receive positive feedback. If not, I will feel anxious and then try to do more things to advance this relationship. If I sense negative feedback from the other person, such as a slow response to messages, a perfunctory attitude, silence when I'm speaking, not wanting to see me, or no time for a date, I will feel anxious and then try to find ways to make up for such negative feedback. The goal should be to obtain this intimate relationship as much as successfully, to achieve an intimate and naturally relaxed stable intimate relationship. But in reality, the more I do, the more mistakes I make. Then I get stuck in an emotional quagmire. I become more anxious, and the other person feels even more hurt. My indecision makes me overlook the other person's feelings, words, and the underlying meaning - I ignore the key points of the other person's expression during our communication process, constantly stepping on landmines. I think this is the reason why I always fail when I actively seek intimate relationships. All my intimate relationships come from the other person chasing after me.
❃❃❃ What To Watch Next ❃❃
▶ How Small Arguments Escalate Into Big Relationship Fights & How To Interrupt This Spiral
My problem is not in childhood, it's in long distance relationship issues.
https://youtu.be/fMYdLPPzjbE
▶ Why The Other Person Doesn't (Always) Have To Change | Untangling Codependency & Enmeshment
https://youtu.be/-iUPjm3tjEs
▶ On Creating An Attachment-Friendly Environment In Your Relationships | How To Improve Relationships
I hate how difficult it is to heal this attachment style when still somewhat dependent on my family of origin. My mother was a very, possibly too nurturing and educationally-focused caregiver and my father was and still very much is avoidant. He still turns every negative feeling and tragedy into a chance to work on something and ignore the feeling. They divorced when I was 8 and my sister and I were traded between them, with some stipulations introduced by the court. We met in a public place and traded between cars and mom and dad weren’t allowed to leave their cars. Dad refused the divorce and eventually got violent about it so mom had us in a domestic abuse shelter where he finally signed. That’s just a taste of the only really consistent thing in our childhoods… conflict and passive aggression between caregivers.
I’m currently on disability income, under public guardianship resulting from my own avoidant behavior which showed up as violence. I wound up in a private children’s home, holding and correction facility. The way they work around the law makes insurance and payment muddy and a previous diagnosis could be upped to Asperger’s with a phone call to a previous diagnostician and dad sat with his lawyer to make the disability claim so he didn’t have to pay out of pocket.
It’s complicated.
Still… it’s a challenge because my family is still extremely supportive and our overall goal has always been getting me off disability and to start me working. Dad just treats me as a functional adult when it’s convenient and dismisses me as immature when I’m inconvenient.
https://youtu.be/J0W5C2xRS7g
▶ Psychologist Shares 10 Signs You May Be Anxiously-Attached | Signs Of An Anxious Attachment Style
Been in long-distance relationship with my gf for 5 months, I love her, and want to support her the best I can, and at the same time, the constant closeness gets draining.. my own space barely exists anymore, but I know that if I bring it up she'll take it as a rejection and it'll hurt her tremendously.. I know this can't go on forever but the fear of hurting her has me paralyzed...
https://youtu.be/gH8yc60yQmE
❃❃❃ Video Chapters ❃❃❃
What if I dont want power? What if I want to be a submissive housewife? What if I dont want to make decisions? Im 39, painfully single, I find nothing enjoyable about being single. I f*cking hate it. I feel physical pain being single. I dont want hobbies, I get annoyed when people want to be my friend and hang out. I dont want my own life. I want a husband, I want to be a wife. Anxious attachment is killing me but I want to be a wife so bad, I sit in this circle of pain or fear and beg and plead, pray and scream wanting to not be alone.
00:00 Introduction
00:24 How An Anxious Attachment Style Develops
Thought I had Bpd but it was just ADHD + anxious attachment
01:03 The Anxiously Attached Adult
02:12 1) Relocate Power Into Yourself
I am an AP attachment style. What I find interesting is that the comments on videos for AA types are more about AA's needing to fix their insecurities and reassurance, while the comments on videos for avoidants are nearly all non-avoidants saying "RUN! AND DON'T LOOK BACK!". The fact that avoidants aren't saying the same is telling on which type has the bigger issue and needs more work to be more secure to have a healthy relationship.
04:21 2) Enmeshment Vs. Emotional Intimacy
05:46 3) Inner Rules About Solitude
I know I am an anxious statement style person, but I had a safe and secure life as a child. Are there other reasons for this attachment style?
06:41 4) Self-regulation
07:36 5) Secure Communication
That helps thank you
08:10 6) Let Go Of Unrealistic Fantasies
09:37 7) Improve Your Sense Of Self-worth
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Simple - Patrick Patrikios https://bit.ly/3wc4G9j
Living with Anxious Attachment is an absolute nightmare. Not only does it hurt those around you that you consciously don't want to hurt, you live with it every single minute of the day inside your own mind and it feels like a prison you know you shouldn't be in, but can't find the door out of, when all you want to do is be mentally at home with yourself and the people you love. People with anxious attachment know that there's logic and anxiety, but it's hard at times to get past the anxiety, ESPECIALLY when you yourself are not aware that it's not just generalized anxiety, but actually anxious attachment.
A lot of people want to hate on people with different attachment styles, but people need to realize that those with the harmful attachment styles DON'T WANT IT to be that way and often don't even know that their attachment style has a name, or type and aren't aware there's things they can do to change it. I've been to therapists that never once brought up attachment styles.
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I think you just saved me from spiraling out of control and I really appreciate it 🩷
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I do not make any warranties about the completeness, reliability and accuracy of the information given on this channel. Any action you take upon the information on this channel is strictly at your own risk, and I will not be liable for any losses and damages in connection to the use of my channel. The information I provide cannot be taken as a substitute for advice, diagnosis or treatment by mental health professionals. Please consult your health professionals before making health-related decisions.
Damn never heard of this attachment style, just realised that i suffered from it my entire life.
As a result of it: I am 22 and never had a true relationship, just one for 10 weeks, which I ended because I was too scared of allowing serious feelings to form and get abandoned again.
I wanna feel love, get vulnerable with a girl, trust her, put her into a deep place in my heart and experience life together. But at the same time I couldn’t be more scared by the idea of it actually happening. I am just too scared of getting hurt again, last time was just too much.
So I isolate myself, believing that I am just too far gone and I will never experience love, trust and relationship in my life. To cope with this declaration of loneliness, I smoke weed, cause it makes me dream of better times, with less dark feelings.
So many people carry so many wounds and scars, it’s just so sad, that life is so grey.
#anxiousattachment #anxiousattachmentstyle #selfleadershipexperts
Keywords: becoming an expert at self leadership, maika steinborn, anxious attachment, anxiously attached, anxious attachment style, how to heal anxious attachment, how to heal anxious attachment style, anxious attachment coping skills, anxious attachment explained, anxious attachment example, anxious attachment fear of abandonment, anxious attachment healing, anxious attachment in relationships, anxious attachment letting go, anxious attachment protest behavior
Thank you❤
More User Perspectives
The word “intimacy” is pronounced differently than the way you speak it. That matter is not important, except that mispronunciation is the first thing I (and some other people) use to identify AI podcasts.
I’m telling you this from a desire to help you succeed at bringing your gifts to the public, and I am speaking with care that all will go well!!
Also.. don't mind the thoughts and triggers as they made you think about the problem and land on this video in order to understand and work on it to heal... every time you feel like that it is a golden opportunity to get rid of it.. it is a blessing in a disguised✨... Be Happy!
@amarsanjayfilmsim 18 and anxiously attached to my adhd partner of five years. i feel like im finally reaching a breaking point where i feel totally disfunctional and severely anxious and i feel stuck, and lost. he is the only way i feel safe, being with him and him being reachable is the only way i remain functional. its really unhealthy and it is now pushing him away also. watching this video made me break down in tears because it speaks to me so deeply, all these things i know already and i wish i was able to do... i really want to heal and am trying my best to seek professional help but right now it is so, so painful
@chikushouuuAnyone else watch this and have to keep rewinding so you can fully absorb every morsel of information?? 😅❤ Thanks for this video. It’s incredible to understand why I am the way I am and to have in-hand actionable things I can try to heal this part of me.
@bririzoI feel like I have to be alone because this isn’t ok for my partner either. I’m always on 100! I’m exhausted.
@NiquewashereI love your videos. I am currently trying to move back toward my authentic self. I have been in a relationship with a 70 year old woman that I work with, and have made up my mind to leave that relationship.
@DavidQualls-f3oTwo nights ago, the person I was in a relationship with asked me to end our relationship. I cried and begged him not to leave me and to change his mind. He told me that my overthinking and anxious attachment were the reasons. I don't know how to fix the situation, and I'm still crying.💔😭
@Deganali0Thank you so much
@CharlessInCharge2:58 scapegoat child becoming anxious attachment adult over lap? This talk was both vague and complex. I don't think I under stood how I can figure it out while thinking I got it... im gonna have to listen more then once .
@Foundry_wildlifeI have been this way my whole life. When I’m in a relationship I tend to overthink things and I love bomb them hoping they will see my worth and stay with me. And when a relationship ends with a woman I really cared about and I wanted to be with it destroys me and I fall into a deep depression and I am all over the place. I don’t have much confidence in myself. I’m just getting out of a failed relationship and I’m so low right now 😢😢😢.
@jamiecurtis8503Anxious attachment here. The cause is a little unique. I was neglected and abused by the daytime babysitter when I was two. Her strategy for keeping me from exploring her house was to put me in the back yard by myself all day, every day. She wouldn't let me in to go to the bathroom and would get so upset when I soiled my pants that she poked my thighs with the safety pins. In the words of my mom, she "completely undid my potty training" and turned me into a nervous bed wetter. A few years later when my mom died of cancer, my dad got remarried and that dynamic wasn't emotionally stable. I suffered SA also during those years. On top of Anxious attachment I'm also prone to limerent-depressive cycles that started in the first grade. It's been a journey.
Fortunately, I've had a pretty happy marriage to an avoidant for the past 30 years. We made an agreement early on that the D-word was out. We've been able to work through about everything. I'm not always happy about it, but I spend most of my time alone. I do heady things by myself at work. My wife is the director of a non-profit and employs a couple of our kids. She sees people all day and needs to be alone when she gets home, so she gives me a ten-second hug (for a little bit of oxytocin - it helps us both) and a kiss when she gets home and goes to her home office to re-charge. She might come out after a while so we can catch up for a little bit.
The thing I have to watch out for are other women who might accidentally meet needs my wife doesn't (and I haven't learned to meet myself very well) and set me off into a limerent episode. It's only happened twice since we've been married, but it does happen.
I dont believe its always because the parent...a trama incident can cause this later in life...Right?
@francineouellette7390That’s helpful, thank you very much for sharing
@thuytheamateurTwo people can come out of very similar abuse histories
with opposite attachment strategies
because attachment is not “the abuse,”
it is the adaptation that worked best
in that specific nervous system,
in that specific family ecology.
Same battlefield,
different survival math.
Attachment style is the nervous system’s best attempt
to keep connection
and reduce danger.
Anxious strategy:
“If I intensify, stay close, monitor, please, explain, fix,
I can keep connection
and reduce abandonment.”
Avoidant strategy:
“If I downshift needs, stay self-contained, keep distance,
I can reduce engulfment, control, shame, and punishment.”
Both are intelligent.
Both are protective.
The child learns
that showing need
brings attack, contempt, or humiliation.
Best strategy becomes:
“Do not need. Do not ask.”
If a child had to be “the stable one,”
vulnerability becomes dangerous.
Independence becomes identity.
The child learns connection equals obligation and scrutiny.
Distance feels like safety.
Avoidant systems are often shame-based.
A grandmother can be deeply loving,
but if she cannot reliably protect
or provide primary attachment 24/7,
the child can still learn: “I’m on my own.”
Inconsistency is rocket fuel for anxious attachment.
The child learns to scan, chase, and amplify
to regain contact.
If your mother was loving but powerless,
your nervous system learns:
“Love exists, but it can be taken away by danger.”
That creates high vigilance and clinging.
Hyper-attunement becomes survival.
That often becomes anxious attachment
in adult intimacy.
If closeness to the safe parent reduced terror,
the nervous system encodes closeness as regulation.
Two homes can both be “abusive,”
but the attachment shaping variables can be wildly different:
Which caregiver was frightening vs soothing
Whether comfort was available after terror
Whether expressing need increased danger
Whether the child had to become the adult
Whether the child had siblings and what role the child held
Temperament and physiology (baseline sensitivity, arousal set-point, threat detection)
Random moments of protection or betrayal that become organizing memories
Need equals pressure, obligation, guilt, shame, entrapment. So he regulates by distancing.
Your system likely learned:
Closeness equals safety,
and distance equals danger.
So you regulate by pursuing.
Same trauma theme, different “lever” that reduced danger.
Anxious attachment is often a protest
for connection.
Avoidant attachment is often a protest
against control
and shame.
Both are protests.
Both are about safety.
I feel i dont deserve to be loved 😢
@lorenzleonardo9062the key is to assume they will abandon you and be okay with it
@ristom1i wish i knew this 6 months ago. i drove my ex away with my lack of confidence. not saying it’s all on me, she had her part too. and i tried to be better, but it wasn’t enough
@sublimazedHello, Dr. I wish this video was longer ❤ I only just realized I have anxious attachment. Maybe we can dig more into each steps on how to work on it. Thank you for all that you do 🫶
@eunbyeolgo2341I suffer from anxious attachment and as much as I hate being alone I feel like it’s better to be alone because then I have no one to abandon me or no one to trigger me. It’s confusing tho because I don’t wanna be alone. I want a lover, I want friends but I end up sabotaging them somehow. My body and mind anticipates the abandonment is coming and I pick up every possible change. My mother did not know how to handle me when I was dealing with complex trauma and instead of comforting me and being aware that I was truly struggling she just would pull me into the car, drag my hamper full of clothes and drop me off at my grandmas house which she knew I hated. I remeber just clinging onto the hood of the car as I cried for her not to leave me. She would just press the breaks, watch me fall off as I cried and drive away. She did the every time I would “misbehave” or argue with a sibling. She had no where to place my sibling so I was the one who would get relocated for 3-14 days.
@gabbieb.7692I regret making my ex suffer through this, she truly believed in us and in the end i became someone bitter and resentful. It took her leaving for me to finally understand that i was like this.I know it is too late to say sorry but i am dedicated to be better.
@OuroborosEpsiloncrush so bad i’m watching this white lady for advice
@melaniearriaga7718i dont think its possible to heal from this... or maybe my partner was avoidant and unable to give me even the bare minimum. I'm not sure.
@timlin6115Fuck, so true
@karinahovhanniissyanThank you for this! I also love the calmness and slow pace of your video
@karlijn9669Im constantly thinking what if I've done something to annoy him? What if he's going off me? What if he finds someone else? And the worst part is its a long distance thing.
Christ knows how im supposed to cope 😮
Omg for 5years now I'm still doing that
Are u still etc
She calls me monkey and when she stop calling me that I completely collapse 😂
@ayanahmad578Waiting to be abandoned at every moment and constantly anticipating rejection is EXHAUSTING
@laurmcollettiyou have a very beautiful calm voice and way to talk
i rly like to listen to you smh
The hard truth is I know all that but I feel like I never achieve to act and think like this consistently. I feel trapped in something I don’t want. I know what I do, I know how I react to things and I know why. But how do we change consistently? How do we rewire our brains?
@evallujah2171Can AA’s sustain long-distance relationship? Must be so difficult.
@auriculares02