Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up

Avoident relationship doesn't deserve a relationship
They deserve to die single than ruining someone's life

2:33 why'd she detach her titty to play ping pong with?!

After six month, she dumped me. I was "too much" for her. She is avoidant, im anxious. After 20 days of no contact, we forgive each other and stayed friends, we play ut2004 and postal 2, mainly because of the 1000km between us. I dont have the cramping stomach feeling anymore but doesnt want her back either. She appears to more talkative and share more things without asking. We accepted our dynamics.

I feel anxious people are looked at as victims, but its not always true. I have been on both ends and have better perspective now.

I dated someone who would be so loving one day and next day they disappear leaving me anxious, working on moving on part and when im almost recover, they come back to repeat the same cycle. This is where I wouldn’t say i was anxious, this was a relationship that wasn’t valued by the other party.
I know what part of avoidant behaviour hurt so i actively try to avoid them myself as a partner.


However when i started dating a new person, they were so invested in the relationship that they wanted me close all the time. It was nice at first, but 7 months later when i have to be somewhere else either at work, or with family they would wait on me to get done and run back to then. After a while it becomes exhausting because they’re necessarily stopping you from doing those things but then constantly reaching out, tell you to they miss you kinda takes the energy to extra mile at work even if you want to, or spend extra time with your cousins, forget about friends or casual buddies.

It doesnt stop there, they are then constantly plotting to have your around and it just creates such a mental load on other partner even if they are secure that they empathize with them, but cant reason them on being individuals.
Anxious partners would take any sort of suggestion as rejection and double down on their effort to keep you close and you end up finding yourself more at ease when theyre away or enjoying life more in general because being with them starts to feel like a cage. No amount of reassurance works, unless they choose to work on it but unfortunately most anxious people dont work on themselves and end up with victim mentality that their partner is evil without realising that the cost of being with them is literally sacrificing all other areas of one’s life forever that they once deeply enjoyed.

I am in this situation now I am the anxious attachment that is tired of asking for the same thing asking to be seen and heard. I'm just tired

I strongly agree. This post was a great read. Please keep sharing. We also invite you to explore our similar posts.

Its so hard.. my avoidant just left 30 days ago. Fails to understand her pulling away constantly caused arguments due to my need for physical touch. We have kids together and i didnt even know she was an avoidant until recently i naively thought when you love someone you just love someone

Probably the only avoidant here who gave up their needs just to fulfill their anxious partner's wishes. Feeling so attacked in this comment section lol. No, the anxious person isn't the only one suffering and the only one who deserves better, the needs of both parties aren't being fulfilled.

I value my needs above their need for distance. I didn't love bomb myself. Glad I left.

Being a fearful avoidant doesn't make you egocentric. I do acknowledge what my partner is telling me and i listen objectively with care and attention. I do try to fulfil her needs when it's a reasonable demand and I judge she is right.

I just feel I have to maintain strict boundaries on some spheres; a space where my interior life is safe and I will not get badly hurt. I do introspect a lot on my behaviour and I've been going to therapy for a long time from my own initiative.

I wasn't avoidant in the past and I don't care so much what they say about it. I got into a terrible child custody battle. It was immoral. It was devilish. I spent 2 years living in a cabin just ruminating everything. I still hurt so much from it and I doubt it will ever heal, so I leave space for the mourning and the emotions and I self reflect a lot on it.

I'm easily triggered by sudden changes of behaviours, sudden "aggressions". I'm triggered by unstable attachment and dependant attachment. I'm triggered when my partner is not genuine, when I feel they are not saying what they think directly. I need a clear understanding of the other persons position.

In my experience, I'd say 85% of people have attachment issues, but they succeed in relationships because their issues are compatible, or the power dynamic is unhealthy but one of the partner just lives with that. I've been with so many partners. Sometimes a couple of years, sometimes a few months. I really loved them for the most part. I truly admired them. But I always tend to attract narcissistic or dependant partners.

I'm a caring person. I do a lot for my partners to make them feel cared for. I always have them in my mind and thinking how I could make their lives easier. That said, I can turn stone cold when confronted with hard to understand demands. I'll be stone cold for weeks and I have a hard time breaking this cycle and come back. I don't know what the other person is thinking, feeling. I don't know if it's already too late. I don't know if I'm getting in another cycle or emotional, psychological and physical abuse. And so I avoid the intimacy and I freeze up. I feel anxious, I want to run away, move out. I plan my escape.

That said, I listen, and I have no problem exposing my emotions and analyzing them as objectively as one can on their own. I tend to read people's issues very, very quick and having a good understanding of mental health issues, I kinda figure where a situation will lead in advance.

This is the hardest part. I tend to know what people really feel inside when they talk to me. I know what they didn't say, where their emotional journey they are in will lead, what they are withholding... I know they are not lying to me. I know they're on a journey to understand themselves.

I've been around. I studied sociology because I'm fascinated with the human kind, but I have a hard time getting into a relationship (friendship or love), because I do not know if it will stay stable or if it will be bumpy ride.

Anyways, all I wanted to say is as much as not getting your needs met can impact you as a partner of a fearful avoidant person, you should not let your mind ruminate and the demonize them. Maybe the best thing to do for all of us is turn inward and embark on a journey to know ourselves better, with the care and understanding of a good parent, instead of looking at others to justify our own sorrow. We can't fix anyone. People don't change much. We can only acknowledge we are "handicapped" by our history and it is ingrained in our bodies (and mind). It is what it is. The question is "what can I do with myself", not "what can I do of myself". You can teach a dog to sit, but it is still a dog. Do what a person like you can do.

A lot of us really try or best. We do have good intentions (can't speak for everyone, but...). We do care. We need stability to build trust. Trust is not something you give, it's something you build to us. A mature fearful avoidant will hear you. He will take accountability. He won't gaslight. He'll try his best to find common ground.

I just want a healthy loving relationship,not all this mind games,love should not be this complicated

Avoidants make it very exhausting for you to maintain the connection. Just leave them and give them what they want as many clearly do not want you

Why do we keep falling into these patterns?

We’ve been together since 18 and 21. Married for a year now 6 years later. She has been my everything for this entire time. I’ve given my every breath to her now to realize it was all being given to “me” facing world so she can feel something in her avoidant world.

Every almost breakup was my fault. Now I realize probably too late that I was all along trying to be the best I could be and never COULD be because I was trying alone.

She thinks we are still trying. But I am waiting to see if she is actually able to see the damage this disconnect causes and if she is willing to try and fix our core faults. The rest from there will solve. Its also very cold to move in winter lol But if she cannot grow to see the hard truths here then my 6 years of giving my all for “forever” were a good show of what my love is capable of. However no more will she be the recipient of it.

A word for myself and all of you anxious souls out there. Realize your partner is a hurt child just like you. Realize that THEY and ONLY THEY are capable of changing themselves. This is a group effort that cannot be accomplished alone more will you ever convince them to look into this. They alone must come to these realizations through talk or through the choice of “it is this divide or I leave”. If they do not choose to work together that is all the answer you need.

Stay single. keep your beauty and peace

When the avoidant gets scared of being left alone, he may have a realization of what is going on and even show awareness and expresses the intent of working on self... But it only lasts for the period when the avoidant still feels the fear of being abandoned. After he feels secure, the old patterns emerge and the cycle repeats itself without any progress or work being done on behalf of the avoidant. No amount of hard work from the anxious one helps, not even helping the avoidant to gain awareness for a continuous time. It is exhausting for both. Its better to split then to repeat the addictive circles over and over again. Its not healthy for anybody.

Avoidants are evil period

I couldn't help but notice the small detail-- SOMEONE won the game of tik-tac-toe.

WHO do you think it was 😏

This actually gives me trauma watching this, thank goodness it’s nearly over

He's avoidant and Japanese... He started making me anxious... I was going to break up tonight... I'll try to understand him better instead without forgetting about myself

I can barely breathe

through the pain I'm feeling.



It's like a 999-trillion pound weight

on top of my chest.



I am breathless

in my agony.



My soul is raped.

I am tormented and tortured

by grief and sorrow.



The rape of my soul is ceaseless

and impossible to run from,

it goes with me everywhere.

I am trapped in hell.



I could weep and wail forever and ever

for how much I ache.

It’s hard to fight when the avoidant is not even aware of how they operate. I had someone finally tell me all the things they are dealing with - once I decided to end things. It’s like how dare I leave them when they have all these things they are dealing with. But I had no clue. All I was given was hot and cold. Most of the face to face encounters we had were loving and affectionate. But once away from one another it felt distant and cold. I’d ask them and they would say everything was fine. Never telling me mentally they have all these things going on. I recognized after a few weeks into dating that this person is avoidant. I have a whole life outside of them, I do a lot of busy work. But no amount of busy can make you escape inconsistency from a partner. They love bomb in the beginning because they are so focused on getting to know you. Once they feel like they have you they fall back into their regular way of functioning.

I tried relationship videos and counseling.
I followed every piece of advice I could find.
Nothing worked to bring us back together.
Gabs Coven helped me reconcile spiritually, and it worked.

Let me tell you if someone is interested in you, avoidant etc will be thrown out of a window. Real avoidant is someone who is traumatised- dudes Ive seen people came from warzone and still have wonderful hearts and can love. Avoiding is a choice. They just didn’t choose you.

Just have kids, might bring in more attachment and ease things out. Keep busy with kids etc.

I end it early. Not only did we have this dynamic but there are lost in translation. She barely spoke English. x10 harder to explain for her to understand.

The cheating of avoidants and thinking it's not a big deal is worst....

Too much noise, hard to follow

to every anxious person, leave that avoidant asshole, you deserve way fucking better.

These relationship cycles are so exhausting.

Im an avoidant and my boyfriend is anxious. Ive broken up with him once but he always comes back, and i dont get why because hes so unsatisfied all the time. I know people here are saying its usually the anxious ones who keep suppressing themselves but i feel like its the opposite for us. Ive done everything he wanted to make sure he was feeling safe with me, even if i dont like being touched i always let him do whatever he wants, and i was the one who made the first move and i always expressed my love through giving handmade gifts and acts, but physical touch is the most important thing to him. He always said i never ever ever demonstrated my love as much as he does and he always so scared im gonna cheat on him, he went through my phone a million times searching for evidence, and he never fins anything but he creates whole stories in his head to convince himself that im cheating, and keeps asking if i love him a million times a day when im the only one that actually tries to fix our problems, i know it might sound misogynistic but i feel like im the man of the relationship lol. Its so exhausting, i spend all my weekends attached to him like glue and saying yes i swear i love you yes i swear i wanna marry you and not cheat on you i swear i dont secretly hate on you, and still be labeled as cold and like im not trying hard enough and he acts like hes the one whos putting so much effort. When we broke up it was the first time he said he was gonna change and try harder, but he's so unsatisfied all the time, it feels like doesnt matter what i do he'll always want more and more and more from me. I used to think i had sexual trauma or hormone issues because he's never satisfied. Ive always felt like im problematic. This relationship destroyed my relationship with myself, gave me anxiety, vaginismus, IBS, claustrophobia, and still IM THE ONE WHOS LOOKING FOR ANSWERS BECAUSE I STILL BELIEVE IM THE PROBLEM AND I CAN SAVE US WHILE HES LIVING HIS LIFE, SHAMING ME FOR NOT HAVING A JOB, FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE, AND ASKING FOR MORE ATTENTION

15 yrs of this smh

Hit it right but by the time the avoidant realizes theyve lost u and theyre truely the problem its too late anxious runs like hell to become happy once again

One is selfless and one is selfish. Done.

It not only happens in one relationship guys. Once they broke up and had a new relationship, the same pattern is happening. We should pity them instead, it's not what they're hoping for to have the kind of attachment. Tho I don't know how fucked up it is for some people, i have mine frightening itself to break up with my partner. My body is shaking within 10 hours after i said to break up, but then guess what? I text him again

Over a decade in this dynamic, I believe I transitioned from the avoidant type to the anxious type. Will be interesting to see if I revert to my avoidant roots.

I need help the thing is From around the ages of 8–12, she grew up in an extremely unsafe home environment. Her father was physically abusive—locking her in dark rooms, tying her with a belt, and hitting her—while at night she had to emotionally parent her mother, who would cry to her and say things like she was only staying in the marriage because of her. After the divorce, the instability didn’t stop: her mother continued yelling at her, constantly taking her sister’s side, making her feel unseen and blamed. At school, teachers repeatedly scolded and humiliated her for academics, adding to her sense of failure. Her first relationship was traumatic—the boy used her physically and then exposed what happened, after which she was slut-shamed across the entire school, called degrading names, and socially isolated. In a very short span, she went through multiple rebound situations, crying intensely over each one even though the actual durations were brief, showing how deeply everything affected her emotionally.



About 7–8 months later, we started dating. She told me that before us she experienced dissociation and memory gaps—forgetting basic things like what her washroom looked like—and that those symptoms reduced once we were together. She explicitly called me her safe place and said she had never felt this kind of safety with anyone before. She opened up about her physical and emotional wounds, her insecurities, and her fears, and we spent nearly all our time together—entire days on calls, constant texting, sharing every detail of our lives. We had deeply intimate and grounding moments, including her sitting in my lap while I held and comforted her, after which she went home and said she never wanted to leave me, that she loved me deeply, and even talked about marriage.



A few days later, fear took over. She said she had “lost feelings” because I was being mean, even though by that point I had already changed significantly and was barely mean anymore. A push-pull cycle began: she would pull me close emotionally, then push me away, then get upset if I didn’t chase her. She called me crying, saying she loved me but was terrified of being hurt like her parents and that I reminded her of her father. During this period, she started seeking validation from other boys and retelling only the negative parts of our relationship—often half-truths or stories from months earlier—without acknowledging her own actions, and labeling me as toxic.



Despite this, her behavior was contradictory. She would say extreme things like she wouldn’t care if I died, yet when I cried she would insist I go out, eat properly, take care of my health, and spend time with friends. At one point she broke down completely, calling herself a monster and blaming herself for everything. We broke up once, decided to “just be friends,” but the same day she said she missed me too much and wanted to get back together. Even while being cold and distant, she still showed concern—sitting next to me when I was sick, checking on me repeatedly, apologizing when she saw me hurt, and struggling visibly with guilt.



Eventually, after I gave her space instead of chasing, she broke up again—this time messaging her friends instead of telling me directly—and then began publicly bad-mouthing me and humiliating me socially. Yet in school she would stare at me for long periods with guilt, avoid me, then laugh loudly around me, then run away when she saw me. Over the following three weeks, she kept changing the narrative: saying she lost feelings months ago, saying she stayed only to “check,” calling me toxic, then acting conflicted and distressed. Gradually, she detached—stopped talking about me, stopped staring, acted “normal” with everyone—and blocked me on social media, saying even if she missed me she would physically stop herself from coming back.



On my side, the impact was severe. I shifted from secure to anxious, experienced panic symptoms, shaking, random crying spells (earlier crying for hours, later shorter but uncontrollable), physical exhaustion, and loss of interest in everything else. I still chose care—researching ways to help her pain, bringing her gifts, supporting her emotionally, and prioritizing her safety. This relationship did not end because love was fake; it ended because two teenagers—especially one carrying severe unresolved trauma—were overwhelmed by fear, attachment wounds, and survival responses. She tried within her limited capacity as a child with trauma, and I stayed and tried within mine, but fear ultimately overpowered love. we dated for a year n two months n i no longer know wt to do or who to reach out to

I stayed in a relationship like this for 15 years. Now that im rebuilding myself I realize how much her avoidance and passivity destroyed my psyche.
I had always said, it would be so much easier to leave of she was just an out and out cold bitch... turns out the coldest woman is a passive aggressive one.

Instead of splitting Stop. Understand your fears, emotions, how you behave, go to therapy and learn with your partner to understand each other’s style, help to self and co-regulate and work to improve. You have a great chance to grow together.